Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
