In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
