Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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