Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Randomize
