There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
