This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
