when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
