dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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