i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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