FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
