got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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