She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Of course I have a pirate flag
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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