Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
