I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I love you. Go after that dick
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
