My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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