I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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