She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
