There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
