she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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