he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I'm at about main and main street
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
