Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
