After last night, I could never be a politician.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
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