for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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