My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Randomize
