This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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