She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
