my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
there's paper in my vomit.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
