My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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