im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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