I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
