You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
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