Your face is a jimmy john
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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