I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
