New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
