I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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