Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
When we talk. Remind me of these topics, photoshop, my bday, threesomes, and cherekee indians. I swear these are real topics...
New topics to add when we talk, sweden, boxing, and the band journey
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
