Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
