When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
