1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
