I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
