Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
