it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
