I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
