I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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