So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Your shirt... Was in my pants
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
