I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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