I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
