he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
