Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
