I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
